February 28, 2017 - Newspost
My jaw hurts.
Earlier this evening, I needed to replace a bulb that burned out in my cheap dining room chandelier. It was one of those tacky, candle-shaped things that came with the place.
Because I'm a smart fellow, I decided to replace the bulb while the rest of the lights were on (it was dark, and I needed to see what I was doing). Because I'm a graceful, coordinated individual, I successfully swapped out the bulb without any sort of electricity-related injury.
As I pulled the old bulb out, however, the top of my hand grazed the scalding hot surface of a neighboring bulb. Without a thought, my nerves immediately withdrew my hand from the heat. I snapped my entire arm back to safety, saving a small patch of skin from a mild to medium burn.
Unfortunately, this meant I involuntarily punched myself in the mouth. Hard.
Since my beard disguises a lack of chin, the injury was not too severe. There wasn't all that much to injure. The bulb in my hand didn't break, which was nice, and I didn't even cry.
With that being said, I got myself good. The chandelier was right at eye level, and my hand had nowhere to go but into my jaw or higher. This was several hours ago, and it still hurts. I should probably be worried about my own frailty, but frankly, I'm a little too proud of my powerful punch to even think about that. The impact made a sound and everything. Did I mention my face still hurts?
Anyway, I'm going to end today's news here. It's best to let the legend grow about my mighty (almost super-human) punch. If you try not to fear my power, I'll do the same.