December 22, 2017 - News Post

Happy whatever!

Many many years ago, my wife and I bought a crappy white light-up x-mas tree. It was on sale for $30 at Walmart, a couple days after Christmas. This thing barely came up to my shoulders. The branches were sparse, and the tree leaned uncomfortably to one side. I loved this tree.

The last time I set it up was when we lived in New York. The pathetic tree looked massive in the tiny apartment. You could barely open the front door because the tree took up so much space.

We only lived there for a couple years, and when it came time to move across the country (on Christmas Day), I convinced my wife to leave the ratty garbage tree behind. We hired movers for the big stuff, but it was a shared space on the truck. Little things like the tree needed to be crammed in the car, and we simply didn’t have the room.

How hard could it be to find a replacement?

As it turns out, plastic trees are freakin’ expensive! Did you know that? I’ve been looking for years. Most places want to charge $200 for a tree. I could get a decent monitor for that price. As a not-so-religious adult with no kids, I don’t have much need for a tree. But still, X-mas is not the same without a tree--especially one that declares proudly to visitors that this pitiful thing was the best we could afford.

We had no choice but to go treeless for 4 years.

Finally, I looked online this past Tuesday, and I found the same scrawny tree for $39. Yes, it was a 25% increase in price. But I splurged, and I’m happy to report that WE HAVE A TREE! I’m even happier to say that the new one is exactly as cheap, tragic, and twisted as I remember.

It sounds like I’m kidding, but I’m truly excited to have the exact same misshapen wreck of a tree. My wife is pleased as well. It wouldn’t be x-mas without a half-decorated shrine to sadness. After all, what are holidays without traditions?

I truly hope you have some happy holidays. Eat some good food, relax, and feel free to send me surplus gifts.

-Jeff