November 9, 2018 - News Post

As an adult, have you ever had orange juice spilled all over you? Without children involved?

I have. Moments ago.

It's surprisingly sweet and refreshing. It truly hits the spot (assuming that spot is your torso). I highly recommend it... under some very specific conditions.

In case you want more details: I'm on a plane. The flight attendant was pouring a cup of juice for a fellow passenger, and he lost his grip of the cup. No big deal. Accidents happen. The cup tipped, and I happened to catch most of it on my shirt.

Jealous? Try to contain yourself.

Not jealous? Let's see if I can do something about that...

Ask yourself, when was the last time you were covered in juice? Were you hovering through the sky at the time? Were you looking down on the world and your fellow humans? Because that's what I was doing. That's what I'm doing right now.

Even covered in juice, I look down on you.

Where were you when juice rained down from the skies?!? Did you even witness it?!? NO! I did. I was IN THE SKY!!!

When the sky juice fell, I ALONE COLLECTED ITS SPLENDOR!!!! I ALONE ADORNED MYSELF WITH THE JUICE OF THE HEAVENS!!!! I ALONE FELT ITS MIGHT!!!!!!!

Where were you? Where are you now?

I'll tell you where. You're on the ground, pursuing puny, earthly passions.

Pathetic.

I WEAR THE JUICE OF THE GODS.

-Jeff