July 30, 2022 - News Post

Last month, I bought myself an aluminum water bottle.

In many ways it's ideal. The right size, the right shape, and the right temperature. And most importantly: The right color.

I got it in flat black—The badass of the color spectrum. Black is so badass, it’s not even actually on the color spectrum. As every reader can tell from the cold sweat building on their foreheads: Just owning this makes me more badass.

I buy all my badass props in black. Computer desks, Lego shelves, computer equipment, programming textbooks, laptop cases, etc. And now I have a badass jet-black aluminum sippy cup.

I know you’re starting to get jealous, so I’ll pause here and point out that it does, in fact, have a single flaw:

I can’t find the damn thing anywhere.

Every freakin’ time I set it down, it completely vanishes from my sight. You’d think it’s because it’s a black bottle on a black surface, but I don’t lose other objects like this. Black pen on a black desk at night? No problem. Big black water bottle on a white countertop? Invisible.

I pride myself on having decent low light vision. But for whatever reason, this damn thing disappears from my vision the moment it leaves my hand. I tried adding stickers… no effect.

For whatever reason, the stickers and the darkness combine into the perfect camouflage in my home. Surfaces in my home can be messy from time to time, and I am very good at overlooking any mess that stays in place for over a week. I’m not talking filth and grime here, I’m talking clutter. My eyes ignore clutter. Still, my house isn’t that cluttered at the moment.

I have no idea where it went. Truly. It’s missing as I write this. I don’t even have a mess for it to hide in. I’ve never had so much trouble keeping track of a single frequently-used object in my life.

I had it ten minutes ago. Now it’s gone.

A smarter person would give up. They’d get a bottle in a brighter color. Maybe they'd drink water out of a glass.

But not me. I know better. I know in my heart of hearts, the deep, dark truth:

That wouldn’t be badass.

-Jeff